Behemoths Mystify, Confuse, and Accidentally Invent a New Playbook

I've covered football for seventeen years. I've seen coaches get escorted out by security, I've watched teams photocopy playbooks upside down, and once I witnessed a team mystic commune with a sentient patch of astroturf. None of that prepared me for Tuesday at Hollowpeak.

The Behemoths opened practice in the north lot because—and I quote from Defensive Coordinator Penske—"the electricity in the main facility was being redistributed to a consciousness experiment." No further explanation. No one asked. This is the culture now.

What unfolded was chaos wrapped in brilliance. Linebackers ran drills while genuinely confused by their surroundings, which somehow unlocked a defensive scheme no one had taught them. Defensive End Krushkov Janx called it "parking lot enlightenment." Wide Receiver Tessa Moreau less charitably described it as "the dumbest thing I've ever been part of that also works."

The controversy landed Wednesday when a trainer posted video of safety Dmitri Cortez headbutting a hydration station. The clip immediately spiraled into Reddit conspiracy theories—is this new conditioning? A gesture of dominance? Does Cortez have a hydration station grudge? The team released no statement. Cortez has not left his locker, but reports suggest he's fine. Probably. Mostly.

The positive: their special teams coverage has never looked better. The chaos, the asphalt, the existential confusion—it sharpened everyone's focus. When your practice field might literally dissolve into another dimension, you pay attention. Kicker Vance Witherspoon nailed 47-yard field goals consecutively while genuinely unsure where he was. "I just closed my eyes and felt the purpose," he said afterward. The man practices blind now. We're not stopping him.

Then there's the bizarre. I arrived Thursday to find the coaching staff had constructed a scale model of the practice facility using practice equipment. They were studying it like architects. When I asked why, Head Coach Helena Vex simply said: "We're trying to remember what normal looks like." She was not joking. She's still not joking.

Janx summed it up best: "We're basically a startup now. Chaos is our business model, and honestly? It might be working."

I'll be honest—I don't know if the Behemoths are geniuses or having a collective breakdown. The line between those two things has officially blurred at Hollowpeak. What I do know is they're committed to the bit, and somehow, improbably, it's producing results.

See you at the lot.