Hollowpeak Behemoths Weekly Injury Report: A Clinical Assessment of Chaos
The medical staff has determined that several Behemoths are, in fact, somewhat broken this week.
The Hollowpeak Behemoths medical team convened Tuesday morning to assess the organizational damage sustained during Week 7 operations. All findings are documented below in accordance with league reporting standards.
Quarterback Vex Meridian reports acute shoulder instability following a routine third-down scramble that somehow involved him being suplexed by his own offensive line. Dr. Chen attributes the injury to "a fundamental misunderstanding of the play design," though Meridian insists he was merely existing in space when tackled. Status remains uncertain pending further psychological evaluation.
Running back Thud Bancroft has been placed in indefinite observation for what team physicians are diplomatically calling "severe directional dysphoria." During Saturday's film review, Bancroft demonstrated an inability to distinguish between the field and the crowd. He subsequently attempted to stiff-arm a hot dog vendor three times. The vendor prevailed.
Wide receiver Kelp Nostramus suffered a hyperextension of the left knee while celebrating a catch that occurred on third-and-22. Medical consensus suggests the injury was entirely self-inflicted through overconfidence. He is listed as questionable pending a conversation about appropriate enthusiasm levels.
Defensive tackle Morrison "The Anvil" Crunch sustained a mysterious back injury that the team cannot fully explain. Initial reports suggest he may have attempted to bench press the opposing team's entire defensive line during a timeout. He claims he was "just stretching." Imaging is ongoing.