Weekly Injury Report: Murkmoor Engines Roster Held Together by Spite and Duct Tape
Four players down, morale lower, and we're pretty sure one guy might be haunted now.
The Murkmoor Engines medical staff released their latest injury assessment Wednesday, confirming what we've all suspected: this team is slowly transforming into a collection of loose cartilage and unresolved trauma.
Starting linebacker Derek Phelps suffered what team doctors are clinically describing as "acute patellofemoral pain syndrome" after his knee decided it no longer wished to participate in professional football. The injury occurred during Tuesday's practice when Phelps planted his foot to execute a lateral cut, and his left knee audibly said no. He's listed as week-to-week, though sources close to the organization suggest his knee has filed for independent contractor status.
Wide receiver Mackenzie Brooks reported to the facility with what medical personnel initially diagnosed as a severe hamstring strain. Further examination revealed the actual problem: his hamstring has developed what can only be described as "spite," according to Dr. Vincent Harrow, the team's lead orthopedist. Brooks is doubtful.
Defensive end Carson "Tank" Volkov presented with what the team is officially calling "transient vertigo secondary to cumulative micro-concussions," but which everyone else calls "the yips, but for your brain's ability to know which way is up." He walked into a wall during warmups. Questionable for Sunday.
Perhaps most concerning is backup running back Jerome Finch, who reported experiencing "unexplained cold spots in the south end zone" and claims he saw his grandmother's face in the Gatorade dispenser. The medical team has escalated this to the facilities department and possibly a priest. Status: spiritual assessment pending.