Thornwick Ramblers

The Thornwick Ramblers arrived in 1999 as the league's shiny new franchise, backed by a venture capitalist who'd made his millions in artisanal pickle futures. Management immediately set the tone for the franchise's identity by drafting twelve first-round quarterbacks in their first fifteen years—a streak of incompetence so profound it became something of a cultural artifact. Each QB was accompanied by breathless promises of a "new era," none of which materialized. The turning point that never turned came in 2007 when they drafted a QB out of a mid-tier Canadian university who threw pick-sixes while the defense wasn't even on the field.

The franchise's saving grace arrived in 2011: Chunk, a golden retriever adopted as the team's official mascot. Chunk arrived at games in his own custom TWR jersey and immediately became more beloved than any human on the roster. He'd catch footballs on the sideline with a completion percentage higher than most quarterbacks, steal popcorn from fans with surgical precision, and once famously prevented a bench-clearing incident by sitting on the head coach's lap. To this day, Chunk jersey sales exceed actual player jersey sales by a ratio of roughly 8:1. Management has since stopped updating the depth chart and instead rotates Chunk's photos on their official social media.